I’ve ignored a lot of red flags in
my life. A lot of signs that were telling of the situations to come, which if I
had listened to, could have saved me a lot of unnecessary emotions. But at that
time, I wasn’t equipped with the knowledge I have now. I guess I had different
ideas of what I wanted in my life. Especially romantically. And that’s what
this blog post is going to address.
When you’re young, you see
relationship ideas everywhere that suggest the man should be alpha and the woman should be sexualised. I think that’s the main two
gender roles that play a part in the projections social media creates of love.
It spins off of a lot of what we see as kids – Disney princesses that are
beautiful, innocent and vulnerable turn into sex icons in the adult world. We
seem to have a skewed perception of what attraction is and should mean. So much
so, many young girls find a man that’s distant and less affectionate to be more
attractive. How? Why?
Attraction is where the issue
beings – because it’s where the red flags occur that we so often miss. We are
often blinded to them because we don’t think they can impact us negatively
since we’re not with that person yet. But you’re still keeping that person
around you? Often, we don’t want to put in the work to distance ourselves from
that person because we don’t want to make it seem like such a large issue, or
blow it up larger than it has to be. But remember you’re not everyone else. You
have an intuitive gift, why would you squander it? If you can sense something
is slightly off, trust your gut. Write down what just happened. Keep a diary of
it. Consult it next time something like that happens. Notice a pattern? Make
your decision then and there.
I mean…red flags are easy to talk
about in vague terms. But if we get to the crux of it, what do we really mean
by them?
They’re the chips in the windscreen
that we miss, that eventually turn into a massive crack. The cavity that we
don’t attend to that turns into the rotting tooth. The first sign of a cold
that we don’t treat, that turns into full blown flu. Don’t ignore the signs.
They ALWAYS get worse with time.
And that chip in the windscreen can
be displayed in multiple ways. The protective “I only want you and no one else”
that turns into you not being able to be around anyone else either. The
punching a wall when he’s angry that turns into smashing up a room in a fit of
rage. The cute drunk texts and calls to say he’s thinking of you that turn into
drunk over-emotional spews of jealousy in the middle of the night. Just
remember, if it’s already slightly too intense in the beginning, it’ll be ten
times more amplified in the future.
I’m not saying that anyone who
exhibits any form of slight jealousy, anger, discomfort or negative emotion
needs to go. Of course not. If you want that, date a robot. I’m saying, it’s
how these things are expressed. Personally, I don’t agree with the whole `teach
a wo/man how to be better’ gang. Yes you should grow together, but so often
that saying is an excuse for bad behaviour under the guise of evolving as a
couple. You can’t teach someone how to love. If they don’t understand that
calling you in the middle of the night drunk violates your preferred sleeping
habits… but they continue to do it anyway… that person’s got to go. If they
don’t express how they’re feeling to you in a healthy way, how do they expect
to grow as a couple? That’s the most advanced stage of being in a relationship.
Communication is the most basic. You need to learn how to crawl before you can
run. So make sure you don’t listen to their protests asking you to put up with
their red flag nonsense.
Make sure you observe how this
person is with their friends too. These are the people they spend the majority
of their time with – they don’t need to apply a filter or hide in front of
them. They can be verbally naked. It’s how they’ll be with you if things
progress. Are they obnoxious or quiet and considerate? Are they quiet or loud?
Do they interrupt a lot or listen more? Are they more negative or positive in
conversation? Do they provide more advice or find more critiques? Listen out to
their contributions in conversations. You can see a lot when you pay attention.
Then pay attention to how they
treat others. If they treat you like royalty, but treat the waitress like a
servant, it’ll be a matter of time before you become a used toy, and get the
same treatment. That shouldn’t be your biggest protest in that situation
though. Do you really want a partner who treats others with complete lack of
respect? Imagine the embarrassment of having to go out in public with them.
That leads me into the discussion
of entitlement. Entitlement is arguable the biggest red flag. When someone feels they are entirely deserving of
something. Of your time, your energy, your loyalty, your body, your being. It’s
not that they believe they should have access to these things, or even that
they earned them (both of which are a bit shady), it’s that they think they
have a GOD-GIVEN RIGHT to them. Shocking, isn’t it? That’s when the beasty red
flags make an appearance. Controlling behaviour. Possession. Emotional abuse.
It all stems from entitlement. And entitlement is easy to watch out for.
Ever had someone you were dating
double standard you? For example, you couldn’t disrespect them, but they can do
it to you? Or you couldn’t be busy, but they always had other priorities? Or
ever had anyone try to dominate you in every situation? Always attempting to
overshadow you, to be better, more important? Or maybe you’ve dated someone who
will go to ANY length to succeed, including stepping on anyone who comes in
their path? I’m sure they had their `legitimate` reasons for acting this way.
Maybe they don’t think a wo/man can be treated in such a way. Maybe they said
they can’t change their nature and this is how they are – and that you should
be more like them. Maybe they said that in order to succeed you can’t be nice.
I’m sure they said a lot of things.
But the thing is, rooted deep
inside self-entitlement, is a narcissistic, inflated ego. A sense of vanity,
and selfishness. Read those three examples above again. Do you see how
egotistical someone has to be to act that way?
Seeing a red flag once might not be enough for
it to raise a warning alarm in your mind, especially if it’s mild, which is why
I advise you to take your time. Everyone’s different, but more often than not,
a couple of months is not enough to understand the complexities of someone’s
character. It’s the relationships that are entered into really fast that are
usually the doomed ones. The two individuals end up falling for an idea of who
the other person is - lost in infatuation - that when the real personalities
start to show, it’s not what they thought they were getting. And the flaws
start coming out. You need to be around a person in all capacities to
understand the many facets of their personality.
As romantic, endearing and
fairy-tale-like it is to be swept away in a new love, don’t trade logic for
infatuation.
Until next time,
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